Because We Said So
by o0-Trollin4tehLulz-0o
Summary: Two positively horrible Hufflepuffs are on a quest - a quest to spread the love around Hogwarts (and maybe get something for themselves). There are so many who need some help, and Casper and Ellison are ready to provide them with biased answers/impractical solutions to their love related problems. Draco/Harry and more to come!
1. Preface

Another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had begun. The Hogwarts Express had left London, and was riding through the countryside which was dimming into darkness, as it tends to do. Two fifth year Hufflepuffs had just left the Prefect compartment, and were pegging it down the corridor. Unusual for two prefects to do? Yes. Of course, these two were not actually prefects. Hence the pegging. They thought their disguises had been truly genius - however, both dressed as Draco Malfoy, they were quickly noticed and chased out of the compartment. Not so much chased as Bat Bogey Hexed. Awkward but true. Having dodged all spells, cuz they're awesome, the two spun into a compartment majestically, landing on its occupants without apology or regret. In fact, they continued as though they were alone.

"Next time," Casper panted, clutching a stitch in his finely muscled side, "You dress like a girl, dummy."

Ellison stuck out her tongue at the boy. "Well I'm sorry, who was it that conjured the wigs? Eh, yeah, that would be _you_! Pardon me for going with the flow!"

Casper was slightly hurt by this. He was quite proud that he had managed to conjure stuff - even if he'd meant one wig to be long, brown and frizzy. He harumphed noisily. "Well next time you can conjure the stupid wigs!" He turned slightly away from her, scowling. After a moment he noticed he was scowling in a most dreadful fashion at some poor first year girl he was sitting on. He coughed nervously and turned back to Ellison, "I think this compartment's taken..." He stage-whispered.

"Don't try and distract me from -" Ellison began, before really taking notice of their surroundings. Yep. There were people here alright. "Oh! You're right..." she stage-whispered back. "Well, this is awkward..." Tapping her lip with an index finger, Ellison considered the best plan of action. After a moment, it was clear what had to be done. Hopping off the unsorted girl, Ellison crouched down to her level, and looked her in the eyes. "I'm really sorry about this - this is all a terrible misunderstanding," she shook her head mournfully to emphasise her point. "But you know, I think this is a great opportunity for you... girls? Girls. Yes. I think that you two should head on down to another compartment, meet some other painfully shy first years and make friends! How nice!" Ellison smiled brightly at the two. "Go on, off you go! Have fun!" The two girls hastily vacated the compartment, and Ellison sat down once more. "That was grand! So anyway... What were we saying?"

"That you were stupid and also have to conjure the wigs next time we try to pose as Draco Malfoy – I mean prefects," Casper coughed. He hoped that his friend would have forgotten about his "failure".

"Oh yeah!" Ellison's face lit up delightedly. "Yes. You fail, fail face! So much fail. No more wigs, ok? They were stupid. It took the Head Boy mere seconds to find out that we were phonies! If it had just been the Head Girl we'd have been _fine!_But noooo, someone insisted on getting chocolate frogs from the trolley first!"

"Well how was I supposed to know that stupid Malfoy was a sugar quill man? Well? So I was hungry, and Draco is a prat! You can't blame me for that! Stupid Malfoy… Stupid… Delicious… Malfoy…" Casper remembered who, what and where he was and slapped himself quietly across the face.

Ellison shook her head at the boy, before proceeding also to slap him. Yet she had no mercy, and her slap made a nice resounding onomatopoeic slapyness. "Get a hold of yourself!" She pleaded. "This is no time for daydreams!" She nodded sternly, then looked out the window dramatically. "This is a time for… action."

Casper lifted his head, hand clamped to his throbbing cheek where Ellison had slapped him. He felt his spirits lift at the thought of Adventure! "So… Trolley Lady?"

She looked up to him with a look that promised epicness. "You know me too well, my friend. Too well."

At that moment in time, neither of them truly understood the significance of this undertaking. It was this epic undertaking indeed that would change the course of their lives, and their children's lives, forever.

_To be continued…_


	2. The Birth of Destiny

Ellison ran quickly down the corridors, trampling over students both young and old to get to the ancient Trolley Lady. In all fairness, she was more important than them, and clearly deserved to get sweets first.

Casper ran pell-mell after Ellison as she Godzilla'd her way over and through every man, woman and child on the way to the Trolley Lady. Well, mostly children. But still. It meant Casper had to jump over many fallen soldiers. Students. Whatever.

In Ellison's determination and haste, she crashed into what she at first believed to be the Trolley Lady, but which turned out to be none other than Mr. Scarface. Because they looked the same.

Casper gasped in mock-horror as Ellison knocked over the Golden Wonder Boy Who Lived himself. 'Man.. She must be really hungry!' He thought to himself. Ordinarily he wouldn't give a fig (and he didn't even like figs) about what happened to King Harry, but it was weird seeing someone who was meant to belch rainbows and the hopes of children being knocked over by a blonde Hufflepuff girls... The thought was gone as soon as he spied the pasties and sugar quills, however.

Eliison's face was beautifully close to Potter's face, and she relished the thought of it. Such power she had in her hands, or in her lips if she really fancied that. But really no, that would be awkward. Seriously, who would even do that? No, Ellison had learnt from the last time. Instead she pushed herself off of the Gryffindor and fixed her hair, before moving to join Caspar without a hint of an apology.

"Did you see that? Talk about clumsy, seriously. I don't know why they even let that kid on the Quidditch team."

Casper stared uncertainly at his friend. "Sure, I guess..." Didn't she just knock HIM down? Ah, well. Potter was an idiot to be sure. He glanced at the stricken boy, and was almost about to consider maybe offering a helping hand (or a mocking jibe instead), when a gorgeous, pale hand reached out and hauled Potter to his feat. Wondering if it might be the ginger kid that always shadowed Potter, like a shadow that was ginger, Casper looked over. It wasn't the redhead at all! It was Draco Malfoy!

"I know, and seriously like why would you ever even dare to – Helga on a stick it's Draco Malfoy omgomgomg Caspar hold me." Ellison swooned. That pale boy was as hot as that one day in Ireland a year when it was hot. Which is freaking hot. There was one thing which was hotter though, perhaps like wearing a cardigan on that day, and that was seeing him come to Potter's aid. The fool was a fool, clearly, but there was something about that lithe frame assisting his nemesis that made Ellison giddy.

"Don't you just think they would make the most adorable couple?" Oh, in the ideal world~

"An adorable couple?" Casper stared at the girl in disbelief, what on earth was she getting at? He turned to look at the two rivals. "Oh. I see."

And he DID see. He saw two boys that clashed in every way. Total opposites: Harry was lowly, with dark hair and vivid eyes, a Gryffindor with influence through something that happened by accident. Draco was soaring above everyone else, with pale hair and pale grey eyes, a Slytherin with influence through careful politicking. If they had a mind to it, their combined strengths would cancel out the individuals' short-comings... They would make a good couple. And a very attractive one at that...

Ellison's eyes had glazed over, as had Caspar's. It was as though the epiphany of all epiphanies came over the pair as they gazed longingly at the two star-struck lovers. Well, there were not star-struck yet, of course, but there was potential here. Oh boy was there potential. Even if Malfoy had just turned and stormed off down the corridor.

"I propose a plan," Ellison snapped out of her daze, and turned to face Caspar, her hair whipping him across his already tender cheek. "We do whatever it takes to get those two to hook up. What do you think?"

Casper nodded thoughtfully as his friend told him her plan. The two boys should be together, and it pained him to admit it because Malfoy was totally gorgeous...

"I agree! Come hell or high water, those two will smooch!" He held an imaginary beater's bat and shook it threateningly. "And FURTHERMORE! They'll like it!"

Ellison grinned a malicious grin and eyed up the Gryffindor boy. "Let's do this."


	3. Phase One - Initiation

"Right," Ellison pulled Casper into a nook behind the door to the next carriage and spoke in hush and totally spy-worthy whispers. "Here's what we do. We find them. And then force them to makeout. Simple!" With a firm and definite nod, she peered out through the window into the next carriage. "It shouldn't be that hard right? We'll just have to fake a little destiny…"

Casper stared in vague confusion at his friend. "Like, what – force their tongues out with a charm or something?" He tried to imagine manipulating Draco's tongue like that… "Um. Yeah. I didn't think you could do that with magic, but I guess since it's magical and all you probably could… Right?"

"Uhh…" Ellison scratched her head with the tip of her wand, causing a patch to turn bright pink. "I reckon you could? Maybe? Or just like… Convince them, with like, the sheer romance of the situation? Like if we push them into each other's arms they'll like, swoon and stuff. I mean, it always works like that in movies and in those romance novels and stuff…" Tapping her top lip, she pulled a face. "I don't know! It will work though, it will."

Casper considered this plan of action. He was pretty sure he _had_ actually read a plan like this in one of his step-dad's books… He wasn't sure if it worked out in the story or not, because Bill had come in and yelled about privacy and all this stuff about a diary – but all Casper did was look through his sock drawer and read a book! I mean, _sheesh! _"Yeah! That sounds about right! I mean, if I was pushed into Draco I'd smooch him like no tomorrow!"

"Perfect!" Ellison knew she was smart. She had kissed all of twenty bagillion guys after all. "Right!" She grabbed her best friend roughly by the wrist and dragged him through the carriage door, and then as soon as they were in walked like it was all normal and cool and stuff. When you were acting casual, you always walked with a swagger and winked at everyone who made eye contact, so she knew she was totally selling this. "Ok, eyes peeled, Casper. Eyes. Peeled. PEELED!" She turned and shook him rigorously. "THIS IS SERIOUS!"

Casper tottered after Ellison, unable to walk in a straight line because her hips kept bumping him. _So this is what it looks like when you're 'drunk with power'…._ He noticed her eyelids were twitching a lot too. But that was semi-normal. Casper, however, didn't like the sound of peeling his eyes like some kind of fruit, but endeavoured not to blink. But this made his eyes water and he couldn't see after a little while. So he just gave up and tried not to trip over his friend's wildly sashaying frame. "I see a blond head over there!" He pointed down the corridor at a promising-looking form. "Now we just need Pot-face!"

"That's not Draco, you twit. That's Looney Lovegrossface."

Casper rubbed his irritated eyes with the heel of his hand. "Curse this peeling business!" He strode forward, grabbed the scruff of Looney's robes, and dragged her around to face him. "Where is Malfoy?" He demanded. Looney gibbered like a small and startled monkey – a pygmy marmoset or some other tiny breed – and didn't furnish him with a satisfactory answer. He cast her away and advanced on a second year he didn't care to recognise. "MALFOY."

Ellison glared at that idiot of a friend of hers. "OH MY LORD VOLDEMORT WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?" She stalked forward and pulled him back, stepping on Looney's grossface as she did so. "That's some kid, you blind boggart you." With a loud and over the top sigh, she ploughed her way back from whence they came. "I have an idea, which is FAR BETTER than you randomly grabbing all of the girls on the train and asking them if they're Draco Malfoy."

Casper was pulled up short by this description of his plan. _Him. Grabbing. Girls._ Ew. No way. He turned on the second year again, examining them for signs of gender. Female. By all accounts Looney was also female. _Crap_. He whirled on his friend and growled. "He's too handsome to lose sight of!" The growl turned into a loud whine. "Where did he even go? I mean, he was _right there!"_

"I know right?" She rolled her eyes and cursed their foolishness (well, really it was Casper's foolishness because she was perfect plz) and pushed the carriage door back open. "Look, this train is freaking _huge_. We'll never find him. Or Potter," she said logically, as Harry Potter walked past them unnoticed with his cronies (_"And his hand was like, weirdly soft? I dunno. Hermione, was his face that soft when you slapped him?")_.

"What we need is a couple of spies."

Casper found himself nodding, spies were totally something he could get behind. They were really awesome, and they'd help him fit in cos like spies are English. And he just wasn't. And spies were sexy, too, but he didn't need any help in _that _department! "Ok, we'll need someone who's easy to train, won't be too hard to bribe and will be really easy to scare silly." He thought for a moment. A terrified, chocolate-stained face swam in his vision, but he couldn't remember if that was a real person or his inner child…

"I have the perfect victims." Ellison grinned an evil grin and kicked the door of the compartment she had stopped them in front of down. Inside, sat two petrified first years who she had never seen before. Or maybe she had. She couldn't remember. But the trunks were familiar.

"You. Children. Uglies. You're our spies now," she stormed in and knighted the two with her wand. "Go forth and find us Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. You'll know them when you see them."

When the two first years didn't immediately move under their new bosses' commands he took a deep lungful of stale first-year-smelling air. "ARISE SIRS FROG AND BERTIE!" He hastily dubbed them, spying familiar wrappers on their laps and over the seats next to them. The two scuttled in fear. He liked that scuttle. It was _fast_…

"But but –"

"NO BUTS!" Ellison raged, and tied their shoelaces together with a flick of her wand. "Because of you insolence you must shuffle off together. NOW SHUFFLE, SHUFFLEPUFFS!" She commanded, and tossed them out into the corridor, trunks behind them. "These shall be your burdens OF SHAME!"

Casper shut the door behind the two very familiar-looking first years, who were whining over their punishments. He hated whining, and those that shirked their duties. He didn't mind these traits in himself, just in other people. It made being a useless lump more difficult when other people won't lift his burdens, too. "Ok, so… Now we wait?"

"Yes," Ellison said, mysteriously, pulling Frog's left behind hat down onto her head. "We wait."


	4. Phase One Part Two - Implemenatation

It was only a matter of minutes before their slaves returned to give them the news of their findings.

"Tell us your findings, slaves," Ellison greeted them, the hat still sloped over her eyes, a hand beckoning them to come further into their lair. "Where are the chosen ones?"

As sers Bertie and Frog grovelled their answers, Casper lounged quite comfortably over one entire half of the compartment, oozing charm and other oozy things. "Wait!" he stopped the Shuffles in their verbal tracks. "I was really not listening. Say that last part again."

Ser Frog bravely stepped forward, "Umm.. Well, they're both in the compartment next door…"

"WHAT?" Ellison stood up with a crash, although what broke no one can say. The hat fell spectacularly off of her head and as she stepped forward to grab Frog by the scruff of hisher neck she stood uncaringly on it. The hat, not Frog. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THIS SOONER?" She was in a RAGE! With an almighty roar, she pushed the boygirlchild away and put her hands on her hips menacingly.

"You have wasted our valuable time, slaves," she glowered, and went to tie their shoelaces together before remembering she had done that already. She settled for kicking their shins. "WE MUST GO, CASPER!"

Casper watched what he considered to be his in-train entertainment – ie Ellison kicking small henchmen… Henchchildren. Well, anyways, he watched with lazy glee as Ellison abused their shins with great valour.

Ser Bertie howled out while being kicked, "But we came back as soon as we knew! We were only gone about twenty seconds! Owwwwwww!"

At that outburst, Casper stood upright for the first time since they got on the train (he had a penchant for casually leaning on things), "You dare challenge our logic?" He thundered in outrage. "Shuffle-Uglies _don't _question the Overlords _or _their logic whether that be present or not!"

"We have wasted enough time on your insolence." Ellison pulled Casper by the cuff and brushed past their failed slaves, knocking them against the compartment walls shamelessly.

And they seemed like they had such good potential. A pity really.

Angrily, Ellison stormed out of the compartment, and looked left and right. Then she stopped, retreated back into the compartment for a second – "Which compartment were they in? On our left or on our right? Remember, the left is the one that makes the L with your hand." – before coming back out into the train at large and taking a sharp right. There, within the compartment, she could see them. Both of them. They appeared to be involved in some sort of altercation.

"What now, Casper?"

"What now? Wha'd'you _mean_ 'what now?'?" Casper threw his arms in the air and wiggled them to emphasize how silly his friend was being. "Now they KISS!"

"Yes, Casper, you're very intelligent. THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!" She gave him a firm thwack on the back of the head and drew him closer to the window. "Do we go _in _there, or do we get _them _to come out _here_. COMPRAWNDAY?"

"Yeah, I kap-quiche…" Casper rubbed his stubbly man-chin with great aplomb. "What if… I dunno, what if we went in and, I dunno, like, just _pushed _them into each other's faces for a kiss? Like a _biiiiiiig _sloppy wet one with tongues and everything?"

"Because you're certain that tongue manipulation charms exist after all," she rolled her eyes. "Fat lot of good it would do us though!" Honestly, she hated only being a fifth year sometimes. She wanted to learn the darker stuff, she was sure there was something like that in there somewhere. "But having said that…" she pondered and tapped her lip with her wand, "there is _some _value in that idea… If we just… _barge in there…_"

With not a second to spare, Ellison ploughed through the door, and knocked the bickering Malfoy forward in Harry's general direction.

"OOPS SORRY DID I HIT YOU" She yelled in a singsong fashion, innocently.

Bewildered by the sudden explosion of Hufflepuff excellence and door, Casper followed Ellison inside the compartment with Draco and Harry inside, in the compartment on the right of their previous compartment that had previously belonged to Ser Frog and Ser Bertie. But those two didn't have rights, so that didn't matter. Looking inside the compartment that had belonged to Draco and Harry, Casper couldn't help but notice that Draco was sprawled on top of Potter.

"Ummm… Ellison, dearest? I _think_ they're already kind of, you know, _up to stuff _that's a bit more advanced than kissing…" Trust Uglies like Bertie and Frog not to know the difference between fighting and… erm, the Special Hug of Love. "We should probably let gay nature take his course…"

"YOU FOOL YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING" Ellison turned on Casper with fire in her eyes and shoved him out of the compartment. "I hope your beautiful ears heard none of that, dear, dear friends." Ellison coughed, and went to shut the door behind Casper before realising that a) Casper had actually stood his ground and b) the door was exploded. "Reparo!" She showed off, and turned back to the group with a wide, beaming smile. "Would either of you lovely gentlemen like a hand?" She asked innocently, and went over to assist them… by shoving Malfoy's face into Harry's.

Casper watched the two boys, one on top of the other, faces pushed together in an obvious kissing pose. Unable to take the sexual tension in the room (honestly, seeing Draco Malfoy on top of _anyone_ would make _anyone_ hot and bothered), Casper whimpered slightly before bellowing at the top of his lungs, "OPEN YOUR MOUTHS! TONGUES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER!"

And then there was deathly silence.

"Uh… what?" A dopey, ginger originating, voice offered after a few seconds.

Ellison's stoney expression morphed into one of chagrin and slight panic. She shot Casper a deathly glare and quickly began edging out of the compartment, and graced the occupants of the compartment with a guilty smile. "Em, ignore him, will you? He hasn't had his five a day. I'll, uh, go fix that. CARRY ON!" With a grand turn, she went to exit out of the repaired door but banged into Casper on the way, taking him with her, and the two crashed onto the ground outside in the corridor, where several students – including their loyal Shufflepuffs – stared down at them, confused.

Casper was always brought up to be a gentleman – whether he actually wanted to be one or not. So when his decidedly female friend decided to make a quick getaway and sent them both hurtling out of the door and onto the floor, his bet-into-him instincts kicked in without his express permission. He wrapped his arms around Ellison, to prevent her from getting hurt in the fall that he knew was coming. This made the post-landing ouchies a tad awkward, as he had his hands looped around her waist with her lying on top of him in a most compromising position.

"Ouch, what the hell…" Ellison was content to use this person as a landing pad, but she didn't quite realise that it was Casper until she opened her squinting eyes and saw that she had, in fact, landed on top of him. It was rather uncomfortable. She would have thanked him for breaking her fall, but she felt that was unnecessary – he was good like that.

"Whatever's in your pocket that's stabbing me I suggest you extricate it immediately. It's not comfortable," she said, matter of factly, in no rush to get off him.

Casper moved to get his wand out from under his friend before he realised it had actually been in his hand just before the fall. _I wonder what's sticking into – oh. Oh dear… _Casper froze when he realised what might be making his friend uncomfortable. He was becoming rapidly uncomfortable, too, given the situation. And it _really _didn't help that he chose at that moment to blush furiously and stare like a doe on a train-track into his friend's eyes. And the situation was made even _worse _by the fact that he _kept _staring at her lips, _even though he didn't want to. _At least… NO! Definitely didn't want to. Nope. Not a bit of it.

"Oh for Merlin's sake you useless lump," she groaned, and rolled off him. She now lay, on the sticky train floor, staring up at the ceiling. This was decidedly less comfortable. And people were still staring.

"FROGSLASHBERTIE GET OFF YOUR LAZY ARSES AND HELP ME UP," the Hufflepuff demanded, and was helped to her feet. The party of Potter, Manger, Weasel, and Malfoy were also staring at them. She realised in that heavy moment that their plan had failed rather spectacularly.

"Great. Casper. _Casper_. Get up."

Kick kick.

Casper got himself up without resorting to slave labour. He was much too distressed to remember his rights at that moment. He dusted himself off, realised everyone had seen his Grand Collapse of utter SHAME and turned red once again. He turned to Ellison, "Umm... Uh… That was, uh… What I mean is – I guess that I should… Umm… I'm going to walk away now, and I won't be speaking with you for several weeks."

Ellison stared at him.

"Whatever. Come on, Shufflepuffs." With a flick of her hair, Ellison strode off and left them all behind, ploughing into one Zacharias Smith in a fury as he just WOULD NOT GET OUT OF HER WAY.

Next time. There was always next time.


	5. Phase Two Part One - Reconciliation

It was several weeks later.

Ellison had been waiting for Casper to come out of his awkward haze that had emerged from his absolute failure on the train. She was sure he was completely ashamed of himself for messing up her wonderful plan so completely, and as such it was no surprise to her that he had been avoiding her for the first few weeks of term. That was all well and good, she respected his personal space. But that time had passed, and there was more important things they had to be concerned with – THE PLAN.

One Saturday morning, she arose early and snuck up into the boy's dormitory, where she proceeded to pounce on Casper's bed – she knew it was his because of the giant beaming Gilderoy Lockhart poster above it – and she started shaking him by the shoulders.

"WAKE UP CASPER BRAN TAYTO YOU LAZY LUMP OF FLOBBERWORMS."

Casper jumped and struggled violently as he was wrenched from dreamland, and the wonderful supper Sirius Black had just made him in that wonderful land. He started at the person jumping on his bed and shaking him. It was, naturally, the very last person he wanted to see in bed next to him when he woke up (well… on reflection, there were worse people…) But this person would _not_ stop shaking him, and that made Casper mad!

"ELLISON CHIQUITITA CADBURY GET YOUR SHAPELY LEGS OFF MY BED AND STOP SHAKING ME!" He yelled into her face as she was yelling into his. It was far too early to be doing this kind of thing this loudly…

"HEY NO FAIR just because I used your full name as a weapon does NOT mean you are entitled to the do same to me. _I _am a _lady_, I'll have you know," Ellison crossed her arms, and jumped on his for good measure. How she hated her name, and her disco loving parents for giving it to her. "Now come on, we have work to do!" She pulled herself off of him and dragged him out of bed, uncaringly, and threw a pair of pants at him that may or may not have actually been his. "I've had a breakthrough in the case."

As his best friend unceremoniously dragged him from his warm fuzzy blanket-cocoon, Casper scrabbled to bring his duvet with him, to cover his otherwise unclothed body from her delicate, glaring eyes. There was no need for anybody to see _this _body. Especially not shapely Ellisons. Nope. Definitely not. So he grabbed his trousers from her and hastily stuffed his legs (and other bits) into them. _I guess I won't be wearing underpants today… _Casper sighed mentally, and out loud for good measure. "Okay, what breakthrough have you had, and if you say you broke through one of the walls, I'm only going to be upset with you."

"Don't be thick," she scowled, and turned back to face him, having given him enough seconds to get into some pants. She figured, anyway. "The case, THE CASE! Draco and Harry. I've worked it out. We need to get them together somehow, right? WELL what we've been doing so far hasn't worked out. Why?"

"Because they hate the absolute pants off each other, but not in the way we'd like..?" Casper hazarded a guess, enjoying the idea that if you hated someone's pants enough, they'd just vanish…

"Exactly." Ellison was genuinely impressed at his skills of deduction. "What we have to do, is convince them both that the other actually _likes _them. See what I'm getting at?"

"Oh yeah!" Casper's eyes lit up with understanding as his mind explored the possibilities. "What if they _did_…" His eyes lost their shine abruptly. "Wait… But they _really don't _like each other. How does that even make sense? God, Ellison, you're such a silly sometimes!"

Ellison let out an exasperated sigh. She had had too much faith in him. "Yes yes of course they don't. BUT - and this is where the plan comes into play – there is a way we can convince them. A way that we can _become_ them. Do you see what I'm getting at _now_?" She looked at him expectantly.

"Become them..?" Casper wracked his brains before coming up with the answer. "Of course. It's so simple… Ellison," for the first time in weeks he looked her dead in the eye. "You're a genius. It's so simple… So… So _elegant._"

"I know, I know," she accepted the praise gladly, smiling at her half-naked friend. "Come on, I know exactly how we can get a hold of some of this. Put on a shirt and FOLLOW ME!" Ellison twirled around and tore down the stairs excitedly, waiting for her conceptually challenged friend to follow her. And then things could truly begin.

* * *

><p>Thanks to all our readers for sticking with us on this long and arduous road. We can't stop the music. We're not going to take it. We built this city. Streetlights. People. We'll take you on this midnight train to anywhere. Sing us a song oh Piano Man. I'm not really sure how it goes. I'm in the mood for dancing. But I don't feel like dancing. So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. And good luck.<p>

Also we love reviews, so if you guys have anything you want to say we'd love to hear it and lol with you.

**ARAMASI** Thaaaaanks we love you all times! And of course these two exist – they are with us every day, in every mirror. It's a beautiful love story :D Love, Caspian & Ellis 3


	6. Phase Two Part Two - Acquisition

Professor Snape was away on some sort of 'Special Teachers Convention', or so he had said the day before. He had been acting exceptionally weird, rubbing at him arm a lot and grimacing. Maybe he was secretly getting a poorly chosen tattoo removed. It seemed more likely than a Teacher's Convention, especially seeing as pretty much every other teacher at Hogwarts was still very much _at_ Hogwarts. Seriously. Also the word 'Secret' in the title? Come on, Snape. You can do better than that.

Whatever the hell the Potions Master was up to, it left his office completely open and accessible to the two Hufflepuffs, who had snuck across from the Common Room to the Dungeons with ease. It was early on a Saturday morning, and everyone else was either still asleep or eating breakfast. Some might have been doing both. But these two Hufflepuffs had bigger fish to fry. And they had brought their slaves along with them to help.

"Seriously! Uglies! Move faster! I want to get to kitchens before the elves give all the food to the riff-raffs in the Great Hall!" Casper was yelling because he loved sausages and hated early morning Saturdays. Like _hated_ them. So he decided to take out his frustrations on two eleven-year-old girls. Because they were slaves and first-years and had no rights. So he followed after his best friend and their two slaves like a good person, but yelled the whole way like a bad person. Just so it all evened out.

"Shut the hell up, Casper, you're giving me a headache. The cause is greater than your stomach!" She yelled back at him as she was trying to unlock Professor Snape's office. "But seriously, slaves, do your jobs. Stop making Casper annoyed. It's annoying me." She had a hairclip in her hand, but gosh she really just did not understand how Muggles managed to use these things. Just because she was Muggle-_born_ didn't mean she should have to live with their burdens. She was better than that.

"This bloody thing WON'T OPEN! Helga's hangnail. Casper you have a go," she shoved the pin in his general direction, stabbing him in the process.

Casper sighed, took the hair thingy and slid it into his pale, luscious locks. He gracefully slouched up to the door, gripped the handle firmly in his left hand and turned it. With one fluid motion he opened the door. "Why did you think it was locked? Snape uses reputation to keep people out. But he's a butt, so I don't care." Casper shrugged, and wandered inside, wondering what polyjuice looked like, and wondering what would happen to him if he re-arranged all the labels in the office…

"Oh. I guess I unlocked it already then and didn't notice," Ellison replied defiantly, annoyed. Stupid Casper opening doors like they were nothing. It was supposed to be a challenge for Merlin's sake. Self-confidently, Ellison strutted after him, arms crossed. "Shufflepuffs. Follow." She motioned with her fingers, and they shuffled behind them with fear in their eyes. Nudging the door as it creaked closed with her foot, she edged her way in behind Casper, that know-it-all, and started to scan the shelves for the Polyjuice potion.

"I'm not sure _exactly_ what it's supposed to look like, but it should be like… labelled or something. Do you think he keeps these in alphabetical order?" She asked, semi-rhetorically, as her fingertip ran across the line of bottles.

"Polyjuice potion looks sort of muddy and –"

"Quiet! Uglies! Merlin's _bread_!" Casper snapped his fingers at Ser Bertie with a very grim look upon his features. "_Don't _interrupt your betters."

Those first-years were really getting too big for their own boots. He'd have to arrange some humiliating and very public task for them to complete, to bring them down to their original terrified state. He didn't like when munchkins got a back-bone. It meant training up a new batch of slaves. Their last pair, Bowl and Trunk, had rebelled their authority and gotten them in trouble when they told McGonagall about their "enslavement". It was a pain in the proverbials, to say the least… Irritated by the memories of every slave rebellion they had to stomp down since their first pair in their second year, Casper returned to scanning the shelves for promising bottles to remove.

"Honestly, I swear Professor Snape has nothing. I mean, what the hell even is this?" Ellison plucked a tall slender bottle from the shelf and shook it, letting the contents slosh about. "Laxative potion? What would you even want this for? Hey, hey Frog." She offered the bottle to himher. "Drink this. It'll be… educational."

Frog didn't seem to want the potion, for whatever reason. Fool. Ellison kicked himher in the ankle and shoved the potion back onto the shelf. "Weakling." There had to be an easier way to **find** this stupid thing…

OH IDEA.

"Accio Polyjuice Potion!" She waved her wand, and a potion came flying off one of the shelves and into her waiting palm. "I am an excellent finder thank you very much."

Casper stopped what he was doing, which wasn't much to be fair, and stared at his friend. "Why didn't I think of that..?" He shook himself. "Well done on having to resort to magic to find things! I was at least trying to do it the _right _way!"

In any case, now that they'd found what they were looking for… Casper began removing labels from various bottles and switching them. He had a distinct feeling that this would eventually come back to bite him on the ass, but he really didn't care because he wanted Snape to _suffer_ for giving him detention every term since first year. Seriously. Not his fault for being too excellent to do his homework! "So, are we done here? Can we leave now?"

"We can, we can," Ellison muttered, thinking about their next move already. "One thing down. Another to go. Frogs and Bertie, this is where we're going to need your… expertise. " This was assuming they had any talent whatsoever, which she quite honestly doubted. But there came a time when you had to trust your slaves to some extent to do their jobs – this was when they came in handy.

"We're going to need to find ourselves some hair."

Frog and Bertie had been given the entire weekend to source the hairs of one Draco Malfoy and one Harrius Potter. Monday morning, and the two did not show up to report. Ellison and Casper were not pleased. At lunchtime, they tracked their slaves down, only to find them cowering in a corner, fearful that they would be found.

"You're telling me that you had ALL WEEKEND to get those hairs and you DIDN'T GET A SINGLE ONE?" Ellison barked, hands on hips. Herself and Casper had had a lovely relaxing weekend to make up for all that stress of the potion storage raid. Plotting things was stressful stuff, she would have you know. The two first years flinched, and mumbled something about it being really hard to get their hands on a hair from either student, saying something about Quidditch and witnesses. Petty excuses.

Casper was equally thunderstruck to hear the news, I mean, come on! How hard would it be to get your hands on Draco Malfoy?! That's like the easiest thing to do, because why would you not? He couldn't understand their blatant reluctance to touch either boy. It was silly, I mean, seriously. What are they, eleven? Stupid slaves.

"You know what, uglies? You are temporarily _fired!" _Casper yelled at the top of his lungs, the two flinched and looked oddly pleased… He couldn't understand it. He shrugged. "Okay, Ellison, it looks like it's up to us to get our hands on Draco and Potter… And their hair, too. Especially their hair. But just as especially them."

He looked around, scratching his head… "Accio hat?" He gave a hopeful wave of his wand. Hats. Hats everywhere. He picked two of them up, one white and one black. He tore up the white hat to use as paper, and wrote the names of the two loverboys on a piece each, and shoved them into the black hat. "Ladies first?"

Ellison smiled graciously at Casper, and stuck her hand into the velvet hat. Two pieces of hatpaper, so many choices. She took a deep breath unnecessarily, and plucked one out.

"Draco. Draco!" Ellison grinned excitedly, waving the piece of hat in the air. "I got Draco! I mean. Draco. Yes. Very good. Hard luck." She was not even remotely apologetic.

The stab of pain in Casper's chest was agonising. He wouldn't get to try to be close to Draco now… That was really saddening. He was saddened. Trying to look happy for his friend (and very much failing) he took out the remaining piece of hatpaper and read the name on it. He already knew what it would say, but reading it made it so much more real. Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived. Casper grimly decided to beat him with his own shoes before taking his hair. It would make him feel better about it. Casper, that is, not Harry.

"Right, let's go then!" Ellison said chirpily, and skipped off towards the Slytherin Common Room, leaving a crestfallen Casper and two rather delighted first years in her wake.


	7. Phase Two Part Three - Misappropriation

Casper grumbled under his breath about the uselessness of Sir Frog and Sir Bertie. Their incompetence would be punished, oh yes, he would come up with something to take those two lollygagging Shuffleuglies down a peg or two, or his name wasn't Casper Bran Tayto!

He moved towards the Hufflepuff Common Room with determination, his eyes were narrowed and flinty and he growled at people as he walked past. He wasn't happy about having to actually _do _things. It was beneath him. But, he supposed, if you wanted something done well, you did it yourself. Leaving things to eleven-year-old slaves mightn't _always _be the best solution. But it was a pretty convenient one.

He flopped into one of the squishy comfy chairs of the Common Room, the one in the far corner where he did his best thinking. He ran a hand through his hair as he stared vaguely into space. How could he get a handful of the Boy Wonder's hair? He was easy enough to predict – Quidditch and Hagrid were his main pastimes outside of the Gryffindor Common Room. So the easiest thing to do would be to ambush him at one or other of these locations. Or perhaps in the Great Hall during a meal, in full view of every person who lived in the castle…

Casper didn't particularly like the idea of invoking the wrath of Hagrid the Terrible Half-Giant, or his even more terrible dog, Fang. Fang was scary. Fang liked to growl at Casper, it wasn't a friendly thing to do, and it made Casper want to put the dog up a tree. Mostly because seeing the dog in a tree would be hilarious, but also because the dog would probably be scared of falling down. Casper liked to inspire fear, not feel fear.

He shook himself: _focus! You don't have time to daydream about exacting revenge on some dumb dog! _Hagrid's was out, so that left Quidditch. Casper, as a decent and upstanding young man, could never bring himself to spoil a match, so he'd have to get the hair during Gryffindor Quidditch training… But how?

He got up and began pacing the Common Room, casually knocking other Hufflepuffs out of his way as he moved. He supposed he could sneak into the changing room, grab the hair and run away… But that was too _simple_. He wanted his plan to be elegant. Refined. _Impressive._ He tapped his chin with the tip of his wand, carefully considering how to make his plan more awesome. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks when an idea came to him. "That's perfect!"

And he ran out of the Common Room, leaving the assembled Hufflepuffs to breathe a collective sigh of relief. They were tired of being bumped into and scowled at by the slouchy, grouchy Irishman.

Casper ran, his surprisingly lanky frame eating the distance between the castle and the Quidditch pitch with ease. Once he was within yelling distance of the pitch, he raised his wand into the air, "Accio broom!"

His broom raced out of the broomshed near the pitch. He snatched it out of the air, swung it between his legs and kicked off. He smiled smugly to himself, knowing that that was one of the coolest things a guy could do. Therefore, Casper was a cool guy. He shook himself – _focus! _– and flew up so he could see over the stands into the pitch. They were doing some simple warm-up exercises. Everyone that is, except for Potter. Potter was gliding around far overhead, obviously looking for a snitch. _Wonder Boy always acting like he's better than everyone else… YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN DRACO! _The sight of Potter always irritated Casper. He was such a stupid, do-good, bespectacled, stupid, grossface.

"Alright, it's go time," Casper said to nobody in particular and streaked towards Potter, leaning low over his broom and pouring on the speed. He was fearless and fantastic, Hufflepuffs star Beater, he didn't even slow down when he was almost on top of Potter. And he _was _almost on top of Potter, who was just turning around to face him. Harry jerked to the left at the last second, and Casper tried to follow. However, he was going too fast to make any kind of precise manoeuvre. While he turned left, his broom kept going straight at top speed, and he was left with no option other than to fall to his death.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Casper _had _been sharing airspace with the Golden Calf Boy. Potter grabbed him by the scruff of the robes and jerked him onto his broom.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Potter demanded, once Casper was safely aboard. "You could've killed us!"

Casper desperately wracked his brains for an answer to throw Harry off the scent, "Snape's office is unlocked!" _Classic misdirection…_

"Are you serious?" Harry's eyes widened. "I've got to tell Ron!"

And, without giving Casper a chance to congratulate himself, Harry launched the pair into a nose dive, hurtling towards the ground so fast Casper's ears popped and his eyes watered. He grabbed onto Potter like his life depended on it – which, upon consideration, it did. Potter pulled up at the last minute, causing Casper to tumble from the broom arse over elbow.

"OW! Merlin's _beard_, Tayto! Did you have to grab my _head _like that?" Harry rubbed his head as he walked towards the castle.

_I don't remember grabbing his head… _Casper looked down at his hands, both of which were clenched into fists. He opened them carefully, and sure enough, there was a hank of Harry-hair in the palm of his right hand. He grinned. He snorted. He downright _cackled._

"I am actually the greatest person ever." He told himself with a firm nod.


End file.
